So you feel distant from the Lord, cold, and unmotivated by the gospel. You would not openly say that you disbelieve what God says in his Word, it’s just that your life and actions show that you don’t believe it wholeheartedly - like the man in the mirror in James 1:22-25, you assent to its teachings but walk away unchanged in any deep way that will affect your future behavior or thoughts. You know that you need to avail yourself of the “means of grace”, to read the scriptures more, have them preached to you more, and to preach to yourself, to participate in the Lord’s Supper, to come to the Lord in prayer and ask for the grace to change and to grow.

But what do you do when you can’t even bring yourself to do these things? What do you do when you know that the only reason you come to church and take communion is because you are more afraid of what other people think and say than what God thinks and says and you don’t want them asking questions or criticizing or offering lame advice?

What do you do when you feel like the Bible has nothing new or helpful to say (or at least not to you - like maybe you’re not the intended audience), and most of the time you can’t do anything to make yourself read it, or at least read it with attentive hopefulness?

What do you do when it seems like your prayers are nothing but echoes into a big dark empty room, or maybe a room filled with the members of someone else’s family all crowded around someone else’s loving father, and you can no longer even bring yourself to open your mouth to speak to him for fear of somehow confirming your suspicions.

What do you do when people tell you what you need is just to pray more and read the Bible more, but you have run out of all motivations to do so (even the wrong motivations, like trying to make yourself and others think that you’re better than you really are)?

What do you do when you know that your biggest problem is that you don’t love and fear God enough (if at all), and that fact (and its very recognition) has effectively eviscerated your impulse to do anything else for the right reasons?

What do you do when the sluggard of Proverbs 26:14-16 and Israel as described in Jeremiah 2:25 both sound like you?

What do you do when the Bible tells you to change, and then also says that there’s nothing you can do to change yourself? Do you sit and wait? Do you do whatever you can do and hope that God will maybe give you the grace to do more?

Please, give me your thoughts, responses, and counsel.

One of the things that has become clearer to me over this summer is the fact that each of us is always declaring some gospel - with our words, with our actions, with our tone of voice, etc… Whenever we interpret (to ourselves or to others) the significance of the circumstances of life (our personal lives, politics, relationships, etc.) and set a value on those circumstances (”good”, “bad”, “hopeful”, “hopeless”) we are locating those circumstances within a larger narrative - a big picture story of how we understand life in general and our own lives in particular.

For instance, if Laura and I come home from the grocery store and she runs in the house carrying one little bag and leaves me to carry in the rest, and then on the way up the stairs I badly stub my toe and trip and spill all the groceries I am carrying down the stairs, I am now presented with a set of life circumstances which I now have to (and will) interpret, and I will most likely proclaim my interpretation of these circumstances right then and there. If I am angry it is because I have opted for a particular interpretation of the events, not because I have simply responded to circumstances in the only way conceivable. From one perspective, my plight is morally neutral - you could say that nothing more is involved than bodies and matter in motion, and such things merit neither a positive or negative response. But as Cornelius Van Til has helpfully pointed out, for us, there are no “brute facts” - all facts must be and are interpreted in some way.

So then, why do I choose anger as the “appropriate response”? The answer to that question will extend far into the way I understand thing like the meaning of life, God’s sovereignty and attitude toward me, what people are for, justice and fairness, and so on. Likewise, my response to these circumstances will proclaim or “preach” the answer to these questions to myself and to those around me. If I let loose a string of profanity and complain to Laura that she hasn’t helped me like she should, or if I just quietly pick up the mess and am cold to her for the next couple of hours, I have just declared to her and myself what I believe to be the significance of what has just happened in the grand scheme of things.

The painful conviction that has struck me more and more is that the “gospel” I preach to Laura and to my friends and family by the way that I choose to interpret and respond to the circumstances of life is usually either the antithesis of the real gospel or some deceptive and twisted perversion of that gospel. I am rightly (albeit insufficiently) ashamed of this fact and brought once more to the place where I must say, “I am way worse than I thought, and way more in need of God’s grace and help to change than I thought”. Praise God for his merciful provision through Jesus Christ, who not only freed me from the eternal consequences of my sin, but has also set his Holy Spirit to the work of transforming me to the likeness of his Son!

A person usually has two reasons for doing something: a good reason and the real reason.

- Thomas Carlyle

copied from journal entry dated 2/7/2000, 1:45 AM

I really wish these things wouldn’t strike me so forcefully at such inopportune times. If I don’t write it down now it will be gone in the morning.

A Theory on the Mind

1. A Collective/Comprehensive Philosophy

• Made up of memories, data, observations, etc., as well as established/accepted beliefs.
• Dinstinct and detached from emotion.
• Contains elements that we have forgotten or are unaware of as well as those that can be recalled by the conscious.

2. The Animal - like Freud’s “unconscious” in some ways.

• source of all emotions, drives, desires, etc…
• distinct from all moral/value judgments
• basic instincts of man qua man
• not governed by logic/reason or conscience

3. The Conscious/Operative Philosophy

• seat of logic/reason
• the part of us that is able to call up or access data from the Collective.
• competes with the Animal for control of actions 
• possibly the seat of morality (the Conscience)
  • Problem: There may be things that logic tells us are ok, in view of our comprehensive philosophy, that our consience still tells us are wrong. Therefore the Conscience may be another part.
• able to shut itself down (or are we able to shut it down?) almost completely.  Not all the way. Therefore we can operate by the Animal instead.

 

Enough for now - I need some sleep!

 

This entry was where I first started trying to work on my Comprehensive Philosophy project. It’s not anything like a solid or coherent, developed theory - just at attempt to get down a sketch of some ideas while I had a moment of clarity. My understanding of these things has developed and changed significantly since this point, but I think there is still some useful stuff in here.

7/26/99:

René Girard’s “mimetic desire”: we often seek goals simply because we perceive them as being sought after by others.

9-16-1998

I know that I don’t usually write journals voluntarily, but there are just some times when things in my head have to be written down. If I could find someone who would be willing to listen to my ideas and could identify with me then I probably wouldn’t be writing this right now, but that just goes to prove the point that I wish to make.

I am coming to the belief that a large portion of man’s actions and reactions stem, not from a Freudian sexual desire, but rather from a desire to be understood or to identify with another. As with the Freudian concept, this motivation is chiefly selfish in its roots - obviously. But this does not necessarily make it an impure motive. I believe that this constant search for a “soulmate” is a built-in need in mankind, perhaps as a means to draw us closer to the One who understands us best of all - our Creator.