I don’t hate my enemies. After all, I made ‘em.

- Red Skelton

Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten questions of politics, philosophy, and literature than any number of dull arguments.

- Isaac Asimov

Smoking cures weight problems…evantually.

- Steven Wright, comedian

It is by the grace of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence to practice neither.

- Mark Twain

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

- Woody Allen

Many a secret that cannot be pried out by curiosity can be drawn out by indifference.

- Sydney J. Harris

If a homological adjective is one that is true of itself, e.g., “polysyllabic”, and a heterological adjective is one which is not true of itself, e.g., “bisyllabic”, the what about “heterological”? Is it heterological or not?

- Grelling’s Paradox

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

- Emo Phillips

11/26/99:

Nothing kills inspiration like a good game of solitaire.

Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial “we”.

- Mark Twain